About Party Canopies Tents
A shopper wants to know…
How can I make this better?
He could see hundreds of people raising tents, setting up tables, hanging lanterns, and making all types of exotic foods in the distance of the field. The party was the only thing on his mind, and all the Abora stuff felt like a day in the past. Even better, people didn’t bother asking for his autograph because they were so engaged and distracted by the party.
“So, I am surprised you didn’t recognize me, with all the talk going around,” Max said, laying his shoulders back, letting the sun shine on his face.
“I actually did recognize you, but that’s not why I decided to go with you to the party,” Alexis replied.
“I’m glad you see it that way, I get tired of people asking for my autograph.”
As they arrived at the field Max set the groceries down near the blue canopy tent, where Alexis and her family were setting up an eating contest. His mouth dropped, looking further into the field. He knew there had to be thousands of people, tents were scattered all over, with tables, chairs, appetizer stands, contests, and loads of barrels with fresh tea.
“Whoa, that’s a lot of people,” he said with astonishment.
“Last time there was more. This event his held every five years and people from all over Hitrea come and visit. It’s quite a party, you know. So many people coming together at one place.”
CanopyTentStore.com Staff Says:
This reads really well. The only thing that jumps out at me is “in the distance of the field”. Depending on what you mean, it would be better as “at the far end of the field” or “in the distant field”. And there’s a typo towards the end: This event IS held….
A shopper wants to know…
How can I make this better?
He could see hundreds of people raising tents, setting up tables, hanging lanterns, and making all types of exotic foods in the distance of the field. The party was the only thing on his mind, and all the Abora stuff felt like a day in the past. Even better, people didn’t bother asking for his autograph because they were so engaged and distracted by the party.
“So, I am surprised you didn’t recognize me, with all the talk going around,” Max said, laying his shoulders back, letting the sun shine on his face.
“I actually did recognize you, but that’s not why I decided to go with you to the party,” Alexis replied.
“I’m glad you see it that way, I get tired of people asking for my autograph.”
As they arrived at the field Max set the groceries down near the blue canopy tent, where Alexis and her family were setting up an eating contest. His mouth dropped, looking further into the field. He knew there had to be thousands of people, tents were scattered all over, with tables, chairs, appetizer stands, contests, and loads of barrels with fresh tea.
“Whoa, that’s a lot of people,” he said with astonishment.
“Last time there was more. This event his held every five years and people from all over Hitrea come and visit. It’s quite a party, you know. So many people coming together at one place.”
CanopyTentStore.com Staff Says:
The word party seems overused.
“I get tired of people asking ME for my autograph.” (stupid grammar rules)
He knew there had to be thousands of people; tents, tables, chairs, stands, and barrels of fresh tea were scattered all over. (sounds a little awkward how it is phrased. There is a comma splice. You could also just add “along” right in between “with tables”, but still need the semicolon.)
This event IS held every five years….
It’s seems a little stiff to me, and just a tad awkward, but I think you can work on it.
Mine?
Http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20100405025917AAVqH6k
A shopper wants to know…
How can I make this better?
The morning sun broke the starry night as Sean rolled out of a deep sleep. He could feel the squeeze of hunger like a whirlwind was trying to find a permanent place in the pit of his stomach. Just up, nonetheless, it was time for him to leave. On his two feet, Sean grabbed without thinking an old wrinkled t-shirt and cargo pants from his closet. With the sunlight streaming though the thin, blue curtains, his mind drift into a state of anxiety mixed with excitement. The party was only twelve hours away. Now fully dressed he checked the time again on His bedroom standup table and was shocked by what he saw. Time had barely moved. Shaking his head in disbelief, he continued to check the time. He closed his eyes to get his emotions under control, but he felt now was the best time to leave for Hal’s Diner. Some breakfast was the best thing.
He could see hundreds of people already out of bed, and shopping at the stores that lined up the streets. Many people were heading to the great field of Patropoli Tower where the party was to be held. They were rolling carts chucked full with wooden boxes, large canopy tents, and gallons of tea.
As he arrived at Hal’s diner he noticed Jess through the window, sipping her tea. Sean scanned the surrounding area, making sure nobody would notice him. Just when he thought it was clear, he felt a soft tap on his waist. He turned to the sight of a young boy holding a piece of paper.
“Are you Max’s friend?” He asked with innocence. “Can you get me his autograph when you get the chance?”
Sean took the piece of paper and nodded. “Yes, when I get the chance.”
“Thank you,” he replied, walking away. “See you at the party!”
Sean smiled as he entered Hal’s Diner. Then he took a seat across the table from Jess, which was the same spot she sat yesterday.
CanopyTentStore.com Staff Says:
Hunger should have a comma after it
Just up, nonetheless, it was time for him to leave=dangling modifier… Put a subject in
Sean grabbed… Wrinkled T-shirt= split inf. Change the word order
Now fully dressed should have a comma after it
“His” in “His bedroom” doesn’t need to be capitalized
shocked by what he saw:
I don’t think “standup” in “standup table” is necessary, and I’m not sure it’s a word. You could say nightstand instead
some breakfast was the best thing sounds awkward to me
Hope this helps
A shopper wants to know…
How can I make this better?
The morning sun broke the starry night as Sean rolled out of a deep sleep. He could feel the squeeze of hunger like a whirlwind was trying to find a permanent place in the pit of his stomach. Just up, nonetheless, it was time for him to leave. On his two feet, Sean grabbed without thinking an old wrinkled t-shirt and cargo pants from his closet. With the sunlight streaming though the thin, blue curtains, his mind drift into a state of anxiety mixed with excitement. The party was only twelve hours away. Now fully dressed he checked the time again on His bedroom standup table and was shocked by what he saw. Time had barely moved. Shaking his head in disbelief, he continued to check the time. He closed his eyes to get his emotions under control, but he felt now was the best time to leave for Hal’s Diner. Some breakfast was the best thing.
He could see hundreds of people already out of bed, and shopping at the stores that lined up the streets. Many people were heading to the great field of Patropoli Tower where the party was to be held. They were rolling carts chucked full with wooden boxes, large canopy tents, and gallons of tea.
As he arrived at Hal’s diner he noticed Jess through the window, sipping her tea. Sean scanned the surrounding area, making sure nobody would notice him. Just when he thought it was clear, he felt a soft tap on his waist. He turned to the sight of a young boy holding a piece of paper.
“Are you Max’s friend?” He asked with innocence. “Can you get me his autograph when you get the chance?”
Sean took the piece of paper and nodded. “Yes, when I get the chance.”
“Thank you,” he replied, walking away. “See you at the party!”
Sean smiled as he entered Hal’s Diner. Then he took a seat across the table from Jess, which was the same spot she sat yesterday.
CanopyTentStore.com Staff Says:
Really, I think it’s fine as is. Some passages you don’t want to tweak too much, or else you end up with purple prose – unnecessary adjectives, adverbs, and generally passages that are too flowery and confuse the reader with so much description. Just two simple things you could change – the last sentence sounds forced and awkward. You could do something more like “He then took a seat across from Jess, at their favorite table in the diner.” Also, just get rid of “…when you get the chance” from the boy’s question, so Sean isn’t repeating. Other than that, I think it’s great!
Courtesy of Y!Answers